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“Find happiness in someone else’s smile. True happiness is putting someone else’s happiness above yours. Putting yourself first is just so selfish; no one likes that!” – I think most of us have heard these pieces of "advice” many times from our very wise elders. No wonder self-love is something many people still struggle with. Most of the time self-love is seen as a waste of time or something selfish. I mean how dare I put myself first, right? Many times self-love is seen as something only the rich do or even an unnecessary waste of time. Because of these ideals so deeply drilled into us from the very start, even when we try to start doing things to solely make ourselves happy, it can result in feeling guilt instead. So, why self-love anyway?
Maybe until and unless we don’t realize its importance and let it sink in, we might not even give it a second thought. The purpose of this article is not to make you miraculously start loving yourself overnight, rather it is to instigate a thought process that hopefully would help you in your self-love journey, or if you haven't already, start one.
List of Contents:
What is self-love?
We need to first understand what self-love is. Many people think that reaching some sort of perfectionism would ultimately help them love and respect themselves. In fact, I’m guilty of this too. Studies have shown that perfectionists are prone to a higher risk of several illnesses, both physical and mental and that self-compassion might free us from its grip. Self-love is not just having some huge skin-care routine or having bubble baths, it is much deeper than that.
Imagine you are walking past a homeless beggar. If you do not acknowledge this person's condition, you are in a way choosing to ignore the fact that they are suffering and hence won't feel any compassion for how hard life must be for them. "Compassion" literally means to suffer with. So in order to feel compassion, you need to first recognize suffering or pain. When you do that, you automatically feel a sense of wanting to care and help the one suffering. Hence, having compassion enables you to offer understanding and kindness to people who are failing at something, going through loss or grief instead of judging them harshly. Compassion in a way also helps you realize that life isn't always rainbows and sunshines for literally anyone. Life is imperfect, compassion helps you see that and slowly accept that.
Self-compassion helps you act towards yourself in the same way. Now while self-love and self-compassion might seem pretty similar or related, they are distinct concepts. As we saw earlier, self-compassion is about showing empathy and kindness towards oneself whereas on the other hand self-love is more like showing appreciation to oneself by supportive actions which will help grow one's mental, physical, and emotional well-being. It is about valuing yourself as a human being who is worthy of love and respect. Self-love is a more stable construct than self-compassion; while you can choose to be compassionate towards yourself at any moment, self-love is probably something that you will need to build up.
Why we need self-love
Without self-love, you are more prone to be extremely critical of yourself. You are more likely to become a people-pleaser and a perfectionist. Although perfectionism might look like a quality to flex, it really isn't. A shorter lifespan, irritable bowel syndrome, fibromyalgia (i.e., widespread muscle pain and tenderness), eating disorders, depression, and suicidal tendencies are only a few of the adverse health effects that have been linked with perfectionism. You are more likely to tolerate abuse or mistreatment from others when you lack self-love. You may neglect your own needs and feelings because you don’t value yourself. And you may self-sabotage or make decisions that are not in your own best interest. This is just the tip of the iceberg on how lack of self-love is dangerous. But all of this can be avoided if we just valued ourselves enough.
There are so many reasons why we should practice self-love.
The topper of my list of reasons is being able to free yourself from comparisons. Teddy Roosevelt once said, “Comparison is the thief of joy”, and it is remarkably true! When we allow ourselves to buy into a feeling of inferiority through comparison or that the “grass is greener”, we invalidate our own gifts and achievements. Instead, keep telling yourself as an affirmation or a mantra that you are too focused on your own grass to notice if someone else's is greener! When we can fully grasp the gratitude for what we truly have, instead of wondering if it’s enough, we will be less likely to compare ourselves to others and enhance our own happiness.
Self-love helps you to live in alignment with your values. For instance, if what you value is kindness but somehow you are more irritable than ever and more than kindness its bitterness you feel, it is probably because you are running low on self-love. Try to understand that the love you give others is very much needed by you too. You are human, not a machine used to supply love. And ironically, if you refrain from self-love, eventually the people you are giving love will start getting snapped at by you. This can damage your relationships with people. When you allow self-love, you in a way enable yourself to align with your values, and hence you are happy with what you are because that's exactly who you want to be!
Self-love enhances confidence in yourself because you allow yourself to accept yourself just the way you are. At this point, whatever others have to say regarding your flaws or how you act, or dress makes no sense to you. You realize that their opinions are not worth sacrificing your happiness and peace of mind for. Moreover, instead of being ashamed or insecure about your “flaws”, you start embracing them and even flaunting them. You become more understanding towards yourself and don’t beat yourself over mistakes you’d make. You remind yourself that you are only human and that you are doing the best you can and that is enough.
Even though self-love is love directed towards yourself only, it can still really enhance your relationships. That is because you teach them how you would like to be treated i.e., you create healthy boundaries and I am all about making healthy boundaries 😄! Through self-love, you set the standard of how you will accept being treated in any relationship.
I view self-love as a superpower, a shield against all unwanted bullshit the world around us has to offer. A person who values self-worth and practices self-love does not rely on outer sources of happiness. To me, that’s amazing! And this is something we can all have. So why don’t we get into how we can achieve it already!
What does self-love look like?
Self-love does not have a fixed criterion. It can look different for different people, the true essence and meaning of self-love should be intact though. For starters, it can mean:
Becoming mindful. People who have more self-love tend to know what they think feel and want.
Taking actions based on "need" rather than "want". By staying focused on what you need, you turn away from automatic behavior patterns that get you into trouble, keep you stuck in the past, and lessen self-love.
Practicing good self-care. You will love yourself more when you take better care of your basic needs. People high in self-love nourish themselves daily through healthy activities, like sound nutrition, exercise, proper sleep, intimacy, and healthy social interactions.
Making room for healthy habits. Start truly caring for yourself by mirroring that in what you eat, how you exercise, and what you spend time doing. Do stuff, not to “get it done” or because you “have to,” but because you care about yourself.
Ways to practice self-love
Finally, to practice self-love, start by being kind, patient, gentle, and compassionate to yourself, the way you would with someone else that you care about. These are not the only ways self-love can be done. Other ways could include:
Talking to and about yourself with love.
Prioritizing yourself.
Giving yourself a break from self-criticism.
Trusting yourself.
Being true and nice to yourself and forgiving yourself when you are not being kind to yourself.
Setting healthy boundaries.
Listening to our bodies.
Taking breaks from work and move/stretch.
Putting the phone down and connecting to yourself or others or doing something creative.
Eating healthily, but sometimes indulging in your favorite foods.
Being assertive.
Valuing and acknowledging your feelings.
Challenging yourself and holding yourself accountable.
Setting realistic expectations.
Noticing your progress and growth.
And so much more!
Narcissism Vs. Self-Love
Along with the question of whether self-love is genuinely important, the assumption that it is vain or selfish is also a major obstacle to self-love. When psychologists and therapists advocate self-love, they don't speak of positioning oneself above all else on a pedestal. Narcissists presume that they are stronger than others and do not consider their faults and flaws or take responsibility for them.
Self-love, on the other hand, is not showing off how great you are, rather it is accepting all your flaws and mistakes and still caring for yourself.
Seriously though, think about it. The person who literally does everything for you is there through thick and thin, NEVER leaves, and is the literal reason you are alive, doesn't even get acknowledged let alone receive love from you. Yes, I am talking about you. I mean isn't it hilarious that you can't even be there for yourself because society has manipulated you into believing that loving yourself is nonsense, or worse, you don't feel worthy enough for your own love? I know this might look like a personal attack (trust me it is for me too lol), but it really is high time we start valuing ourselves! Look at the amount of effort and time and love you put into a relationship with someone else. How is it fair when you don't put all that in the most important relationship i.e., your relationship with yourself?
Self-love doesn’t prevent you from caring about others; it simply means you can give yourself the same kindness that you give to others.
You know what, why don't we start now? Let this be your safe space where you can comment down at least one thing you plan to do today as a token of love and appreciation for yourself? I promise if you tell me yours, I'll tell you mine😄.
😍wow~!!
wow this is really good💖
Beautifully written! And very much needed!💕