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Content/Trigger Warning: Suicide, Substance Abuse.
In an interview with Oprah, Dwayne Johnson, popularly known as The Rock, said, "And oftentimes it (depression) happens you just feel like you're alone. You feel like it's only you. You're in your bubble. And I wish I had someone at that time who could just pull me aside and [say], 'Hey, it's going to be OK. It'll be OK.' So, I wish I knew that." In a recent video for MensXP, YouTuber Bhuvan Bam expressed, “Ye macho aur stud ke title leke kab tak itrayenge? Apne ko bhi dhuk hota hai yaar, kisina kisiko toh batayenge! ... Abh agar aasu aaye toh baha denge. Abh agar dard hua toh keh denge” [Translation: Let’s come out of the shadows of hollow titles like Stud and Macho. The heartaches, we’ve got to open up to someone. ... So, from now on, we’ll cry if we feel like it. We’ll share when it aches]. While I went through the comment section of these videos, that one recurring comment that almost all men stated was, ‘It is not easy to be vulnerable’. And before we go ahead, let me say this, WE.HEAR.YOU.
Yes, for years, we as a society have been neglecting men’s mental state by forcing them to fit the roles of stereotypical macho, emotionally aloof, isolated figures who only receive love when they have something to offer. There is stigmatization around male mental health and the constant use of phrases like Man Up, Be Tough, Don’t Cry Like a Girl, and the very recent Indian example of this is ‘Sakht Launda’ makes it even worse. While this is fun when a stand-up comedian jokes around it, we fail to address the underlying harmful repercussions of endorsing such unrealistic ideals.
In 2018, within eight months of launching the KIRAN mental health helpline, India received 30 thousand calls from across the country, with 70% of them being male callers. In 2015, The National Crime Records Bureau (NCRB) reported 133,623 suicides in India, with nearly 91 thousand of these deaths being men. These statistics are spine-chilling. However, there is a way out of this. And as tough as it sounds to hear it and then implement it, the only solution here is to speak up and more so for the rest of us, it is to listen, comprehend, accept and validate.
While it’s true that we’ve come a long way from where we began, in terms of mental health, this is also true that we have a long way to go and we cannot make this journey without looking after our men as well. From a very young age, men were conditioned into believing that they should not express their emotions, cry or share their problems. They are expected to get up, "man up" and show up no matter their mental state with a justification that on failing to do so, they'll seem weak. As a result, we birthed toxic masculinity, whose consequences are gruesome not only to oneself but to their loved ones and the society as a whole. But if we are going to bring about an end to this, we have to look at ourselves first and understand what role we play in making this world a safer place for our men to open up and allow themselves to be vulnerable. Hence, that is where empathy plays a significant role.
Out of the fear of seeming vulnerable and thus being outcasted or bullied, men begin to bottle up their emotions. This bottling up of emotions from a young age causes us to develop different sorts of coping mechanisms. While most women vent out, cry, express, most men hide this vulnerability until it reflects in them through common behaviours such as anger and aggressiveness, irritability, frustration, substance abuse, trouble concentrating, persistent feelings of worry, engagement in high-risk activities, suicidal thoughts.
We must find in ourselves empathy and compassion towards them. If we have to start somewhere we have to start with being more understanding and empathetic towards them.
It’s rather a difficult journey for them to give up years of conditioning and open up to the sides of them that they’ve shut out for a long time. And here’s how you can smoothen their journey in unlearning patriarchal masculinity:
Firstly, you can start by letting them know you’re there to listen to them without judgement.
Encourage them slowly and steadily to open up to you as little as they want.
Create around them a space, an environment, that is open and willing to let them express how they feel.
Since they may find it hard to reach out, try to stay in touch with them even if it is via a text message or a phone call.
It may be easier for men to address their concerns with other men, so encourage them to find local support groups or online community spaces to connect, that work on similar concerns.
Help them to get help. Help them contact a counsellor or therapist or accompany them to their appointment if they want you to.
We understand that while some things are easier said than done, it is hopeful to remember that, smaller changes grow into bigger achievements. Both men and women have been victims of patriarchy but uplifting each other is the only way we can make this a better world for the future. Unlearning years of unhealthy coping patterns can be a challenge but we encourage you to find people, family, friends, relatives, mentors or health professionals that will support you through this journey of coming to terms with your emotions. All you need to do is reach out, have patience and the right people will come to find you.
So true!! After reading , everything I think is true!!