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We often hear people say, “he is a toxic person”, “they are in a toxic relationship”, “this is getting toxic”. Toxic, in a literal sense, means anything harmful or poisonous to something or someone. In everyday language, Millennials and Gen-Zs refer to people who might be harmful to their mental health as toxic. Certain people in all our lives stimulate within us a range of upsetting emotions, more so resembling pain rather than disagreement. These people are popularly referred to as toxic people.
Most relationships in your life will at some point reach a stage of argument, it does not mean that all relations are toxic. A recurring pattern of problematic behaviour hints towards an unfavourable contribution of an individual into your life. People with such patterns can be your friends, colleagues, teachers, mentors, romantic partners, relatives, or even your parents.
Since the term "toxic" does not have a straightforward definition, it is essential to use it carefully. Instead of labelling someone as toxic, it is convenient to identify behaviours in another person that is disadvantageous to your mental well-being. There are a few patterns and traits that you can review to evaluate the presence of such people that try to sabotage your growth.
Some common indicators of toxicity are:
Use of manipulation, gaslighting and other ways of emotional abuse. For e.g., They want to have complete control of the relationship and believe that they are always right about everything.
You are expected to validate them and fix their problems.
Their affection towards you is passive-aggressive, lacking consistency.
They fail to take responsibility for their actions and emotions.
You are covering up or justifying their inappropriate actions.
They dismiss your needs, desires, boundaries and disregard your experiences.
No matter the nature and continuance (i.e., period) of this relationship, if you feel like wanting to leave them or exhausted interacting with them, these could be indications of an unhealthy environment. Continuous engagement with such people can add stress to your life, further triggering issues such as anxiety, lack of self-esteem, co-dependency and tolerance towards abuse.
Here are ways that are recommended by therapists to deal with toxicity:
Cut Them Out of Your Life:
It can be extremely beneficial for you to cut any person who is influencing you in such an unhealthy manner out of your life. Try maintaining optimal distance from relationships that involve any form of physical or emotional abuse.
Set Strong Boundaries:
This strategy is specifically helpful when dealing with people you cannot easily cut out of your life. For example, your parents, siblings, in-laws, etc. Let them know where you draw the line. While this is a task in itself, it can help them understand that you are not willing to put up with their behaviour.
Avoid Playing into Their Reality:
If you show your support or let someone get away with behaving badly, they gain confidence in their behaviour. Don’t get drawn into their unhealthy patterns, be confident enough to say no and leave.
Pay Attention to How They Make You Feel:
Our body and mind always know what is best for us. Listen to that voice within you. Identify signals of your heart and the reactions your body is indicating. Like Halsey wrote in the song Graveyard, “The warning signs can feel like they’re butterflies”. Not all feelings of butterflies mean attraction. Surprisingly most of them are signs to get away. Healthy relationships should make you feel more at ease and at peace rather than having constant butterflies i.e., anxiety and nervousness.
Stop Becoming Readily Available to Them:
Maintain as much distance from this person as possible. The best way to make such a person go away from your life is to limit your time together by making yourself unavailable. Try to engage in fewer conversations with them and politely decline their plans or offers.
Talk To Them About Their Behaviour:
If you feel like there is hope for change with this person, without any severe harm to yourself, you can explain to them how their behaviour is affecting you. Take a compassionate tone rather than a direct one. Although most conversations may likely not go as planned, you can choose to let them know how you feel.
Respect Yourself Enough to Walk Away:
No matter what dynamic you share with this person, nothing and nobody should have the power over you to disrespect you. Learn healthy ways of prioritizing yourself and walk away from people that add stress to your life.
Do Not Blame Yourself:
Toxic relationships make us feel responsible for not trying harder or questioning our decisions to leave the person. Assure yourself that you are not responsible for someone else’s actions.
Find People Who Are Good for Your Mental Health:
Invest your time in people that return the love you give them and make you feel safe. Build a strong support system with people who empower you.
Encourage Them to Go to Therapy:
Realize that you cannot fix someone. But if you feel comfortable enough, you can hint them towards taking a step in the right direction. But be well aware that one can only grow if they have the willingness to do so.
Learn That You Can Be Toxic Too:
Understand that everyone has a level of toxicity and things to unlearn. Accept that unknowingly you could also be a toxic person. It's never too late to identify these traits and work on them so that we can be better individuals for ourselves and our loved ones.
We understand that leaving such relationships can be difficult for multiple reasons like emotional or financial co-dependency and other societal obligations since sometimes these people are family members and colleagues. Remember that you are not alone and can get out of it. Remember that all our behaviours are actions and reactions developed from our experiences. Someone’s toxic behaviour is also a by-product of all the trauma they have endured. Hence, it is essential to be compassionate in dealing with them. However, it should never be at the cost of your well-being and their traumas should not be used as a way of justifying their actions for them to get away with it.
If you may have resonated with the article as a person on the receiving or delivering end of a toxic relationship, please understand that help is available. Talk to your support system, your therapist, anyone that you trust to get the help you may need. With the right kind of guidance and willingness, all of us can grow into better individuals. It's never too late to save and be there for yourself.
This article has really helped realise to look at relationships in a different perspectives and understanding our boundaries. I'm thankful to the writer and her work.