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“Be Positive, ” “Think Positive, ” “Positivity is the key to happiness”. I am sure we have all heard of these quotes. But is being positive always a good thing? Probably not. Being positive always is far from realistic, in fact, it can be toxic. Trying to stay positive and happy at times when we are suffering can harm our mental health and well-being. We must relish our positive emotions, but it is equally crucial that we take time to process our negative emotions.
As humans, we are entitled to feel different emotions - anger, sadness, happiness, excitement, etc. Emotions are kind of a package deal. There is no way we can survive with one or none of them. The pandemic has forced us to experience these emotions under the most unlikely and unfavourable circumstances which resulted in a very deep and long-lasting impact on our mental health and wellbeing.
As the world around us slowly returns to normal, we feel like we must too. It's been a long time since we have lost our routine, so it is almost impossible to expect ourselves to bounce back in a day. During this period, a lot of us have suffered. Suffering can have many faces. It can look like a decline in our mental and/or physical health, loss of a loved one, losing a job, etc. So, when so much has changed over this period, how can we expect things to remain the same?
When we see people getting excited about meeting other people, we feel guilty for not having the same level of enthusiasm and excitement in us. But we must realize that just because we do not feel the same way as others do, that does not make us wrong.
Last year, I lost my maternal grandfather. An hour later, I sat for my Spanish viva. I couldn't think or talk clearly. My vision was blurry because my eyes were full of tears. It was one of the hardest things I've had to do in months. It is shocking how we often forget that even if our grief is not physically manifested, it still is grief. I am sure a lot of people share the same experience, maybe while they are attending online classes, or are working from home.
But this is not the only aspect of my story. Being in a different city, I could not attend the funeral. I didn't visit the city for the next eight months due to covid restrictions. After an excruciatingly long period, I got the opportunity to visit the city for a wedding. That is when my struggle began all over again. I was very excited about the wedding, but I was also mourning. I could see people around me enjoying it, but a big part of me was still grieving. I wanted to be supportive and happy for my family, so I put on a happy face and tried to enjoy the celebration. This was a very complex emotion for me to process. I felt guilty for enjoying when I was supposed to be mourning, and for mourning when the family was celebrating. These two emotions failed to find a junction and I was overwhelmed most of the time. I felt like I was pulling everyone back. I am sure a lot of us have found ourselves at similar crossroads. This usually doesn't happen because we get the time and the space to process our emotions, but this has become a rare occurrence during the pandemic.
This was quite a life-changing experience for me. I learned that just because our feelings don't seem to resonate with others, that does not make our emotions invalid. Emotions are complex. We could be experiencing more than one emotion at the same time, and that is normal, that is real.
That is the thing about being human. We are different and we are flawed in all the good and bad ways. The whole idea of “looking happy” when we are not is more harmful than we know. Here are a few things we can do when trying to deal with toxic positivity:
Acknowledge: The first step that would help us deal with toxic positivity is to acknowledge our emotions and our reaction towards them.
Finding the right vent: Now that we know what we are feeling, we must find the right way to vent our emotions. Rather than acting aggressively and refraining from our duties, find something that will make us feel better. It can be anything from going for a run to painting.
Be realistic: While trying to deal with toxic positivity, it is important to keep a check on reality. We must know that we are not the only ones who are going through this and that things will get better.
Trying what works for us: It is important to keep finding new things and activities that make us feel happy and positive. It can be spending time with our plants or maybe going for a drive. We should do what works for us, no matter how unconventional it is as long as it doesn't harm us or anyone else.
We are living in extremely stressful times. Even if it feels like the world is normal, it is okay not to feel normal. Remember that it’s okay to not be okay. We must allow ourselves to feel and vent out our emotions, no matter what they are or how irrational they feel or look like. Toxic positiveness is a ripple that we need to break. So, let’s be more real, for our sake and others.
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