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Class 9 - "you are not girlfriend types".
Class 10 - "आईने में खुद को देख, लड़का एक बार देख ले तो फिर कभी ऊपर से नीचे नहीं देखेगा" (Translation: Look at yourself in the mirror, if a guy looks at you, he'll never look again).
First year of college - "जिनकी शकल अच्छी नहीं होती वो बातें अच्छी किया करते हैं" (Translation: Those who aren't pretty, talk pretty).
Gynaecologist - "you have to lose weight. Go up and down the stairs once a day for sure".
These aren't just quotes taken from books or movies, but real-life sayings I have heeded to. I've never had the looks of Victoria's Secret model, nor has my immense potential been enough to prove my worth. Either I've been the unattractive girl or someone who has experienced other's superiority complexes. The only way for me to fit in school, college and anywhere for that matter, was to be pretty according to other people's standards, which is why I could never fit.
Unfortunately, this is the attitude women predominantly have been taught to believe in. And if you end up believing them, then you tread on the path of self-destruction. Every action would get a public hearing. Every step you take would make you anxious and conscious. It's like Kacey Musgraves once mentioned in her song "If you can't lose the weight then you're just fat, But if you lose too much then you're on crack. You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't".
I too made the blunder of accepting and reacting to such comments. I accepted that I wasn't good enough for anyone, as if that was all there was to me and my life. My desperation made me even more vulnerable to manipulation. There came a point where I had no control over myself. I was just existing to please others rather than pleasing myself. I gradually even started working out. Excessively. With no respite. However, even that didn't do the magic and later I was diagnosed with PCOS. Ironically, every doctor asked me to lose weight as if it was a cakewalk. 2-3kgs at least as soon as possible.
Nonetheless, that doesn't mean I didn't escape the maze. I did as I realized I was more than all the labels and boxes society tried to put on me and fit me in. I started to acknowledge my achievements, no matter how small. That itself made me understand how my looks never had anything to do with my success nor can it affect my hard work in future. Yes, it isn't as easy as it sounds. Nor have I reached the pinnacle of confidence. It certainly wasn't a linear path or process. It was mostly two steps forwards and one step back. I still do have my ups and downs but I always try to choose to side with the better mindset my unfortunate experiences have taught me. I'm still learning and unlearning. Learning to accept me as I witness my growth. Learning to let myself be. Unlearning to go hard on me because it would automatically give others a window to act the same way towards me and a whole lot of bullshit we are accustomed to believing about ourselves growing up.
We have to stop punishing ourselves for someone else's judgments. No one else lives our life and thus what they say must not affect us. It is my body and I should be the only one allowed to decide whether I should gain or lose weight or get surgery or do absolutely nothing. The day we empower ourselves with this self-dependence, we'll start growing that day. That day every individual who has faced stigma and injustice because of their looks will have nothing to lose and they'll be the strongest.
And while I strive to see that day, I can only remind myself to be human and thus to be imperfect.
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